1. Please Don’t Actually Try This

    What I’m about to share with you today is one of the many relatively safe ways in which you can access a place I call the “Shadowside”, and its effectiveness depends on how seriously you take me; your mileage may vary, refer to title.

    I won’t tell you that you shouldn’t be afraid of the Shadowside; chances are you’ve already seen it after all, and merely think it was just a “recurring dream”. I will tell you there is no need to be ignorantly afraid of it, though. There is a difference. Ignorance fuels fear and fear can give that place a lot of juice to run on. You have to be big on preparation if you want to try this. It’s like sky diving: if getting it right on your first try is not something you’re good at, then this is not for you.

    If you do drugs or alcohol the night of the event, you’re going to have a bad time. If you’re going through some serious issues in your life and are not feeling mentally or spiritually stable, or if you’re doing this just to escape, you’re going to have a bad time. And if you don’t follow my instructions (particularly the multiple backups I’ll give you, which trust me, are there for a reason) you’re going to really have a bad time.

    The name of this game is THE THREE KINGS, by the way.


    • A very large empty and quiet room, preferably without windows. If windows exist, you need to be able to cover them and ensure total darkness. Basements usually work well, if they’re roomy enough.
    • A pack of candles (you’ll only use 1, if all goes well), and a lighter.
    • A bucket of water and a mug.
    • A fan.
    • Two large mirrors (like the one on your dresser. Don’t worry, they won’t be harmed. Or if they are, it’d be the least of your concerns).
    • Three chairs.
    • An alarm clock.
    • An active cell phone (don’t forget to charge the goddamn battery!)
    • A loved one willing to follow rules and go along with all this madness.
    • A small toy or dear object from your childhood.


    • Start setup at around 11 PM. Place one chair in the center of the room, facing north (this is important). Place the other two chairs exactly to the left and right, facing your throne. The distance between your throne and that of your queen and fool should be about the length of your arm to each side, more or less.
    • Place the two large mirrors on the queen and fool chairs left and right of you, facing you (and each other). Try your best to have them stand at a 90 degree angle (or else you may get more or less than threekings). If you sit on your throne facing straight ahead (north), you should be able to perceive your own reflection in each of the two mirrors without actually having to turn your head nor your eyes to do so. If you see your own reflection in the corner of your eye, just barely there, then you’ve done it right.
    • Place the bucket of water and the mug in front of you, just barely out of reach.
    • Place the fan behind you, turn it on. Don’t set it to maximum power -medium or low is usually enough. Leave it on.
    • Turn off the lights, leave the door open and go to your bedroom.
    • Set the candles by the side of the bed, next to a lighter, your alarm clock and your cellphone (leave it charging).
    • Set your alarm clock for 3:30 AM.
    • Turn off the lights and sleep while holding your power object, get some rest.


    • Wake up at 3:30 AM with your alarm clock. Turn it off, but don’t turn on the light. You have exactly three minutes to light your candle, grab your cellphone, and make your way to the dark room to sit in your throne. You should be seated by 3:33 AM. Don’t forget your power object! Check for potential red flags: if your cellphone didn’t charge for whatever reason, abort the mission. If the alarm didn’t go off exactly at 3:30 AM, abort the mission. If you find the dark room door closed (remember you left it open) abort the mission. If the fan is turned off (you left it on) abort the mission.
    • (Side note: if you have to abort the mission due to any of the above, leave the house with your loved one. Go to a hotel or something. There’s no need to run; you have time to grab a jacket and your keys and what not, but leave. After 6 AM the coast should be clear.)
    • If all is going as planned, you can proceed and take your throne. DO NOT look directly at either of the two mirrors besides you. DO NOT let the candle go out. The fan is behind you. You must protect the candle with your body, which is standing in between (there’s a reason for this; as you’ll soon see).
    • Look straight ahead, at the darkness. Not at the candle, not at the mirrors, just straight ahead. Eagle-eyed readers surely noticed I didn’t say during setup which chair was queen and which chair was fool. That’s because it’s your job to find out. And from their point of view, you are either their queen or their fool, too. Hence three kings.

    I won’t spoil what happens next. Suffice to say, you won’t be alone and if you have questions, you’ll get answers. Sometimes in the form of new questions, but hey, that’s the story of humanity eh? Just stay put and try not to move. Again, DO NOT look directly at the mirrors, nor the candle. Just straight ahead, trust me. Don’t chicken out either; you need to wait until 4:34. By 4:34 it’s all over. It’s okay to tremble a little bit, just try not to. Not because it affects the ritual or anything -it’s just a pussy thing to do while in polite company.

    Did I mention not to let the candle go out? That’s what the fan is for. You’re protecting the candle with your body, but if your body were to be suddenly moved then the fan would turn off the candle. That’s backup number 1. Your loved one is backup number 2: at 4:34 she has to come in the room and call your name. If that won’t work, she has to call your cellphone. If that won’t work, she has the glass of water and the bucket. She can’t touch you though -that’s a newbie mistake. Backup number 3 is your item of power, the toy, or locket or whatever object of strength you brought along for the ride. It’ll show you the way if SHTF.

    Multiple back ups. You gotta be like a boy scout if you do these things. If you half-ass it, half-ass it all the way so that it won’t work. Worst you can do is take it seriously enough for it to work and not seriously enough to be prepared for the consequences.

    If in doubt, refer to title.


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